Dear Santa

Now that the official holiday shopping season has started, I thought it would be interesting to see what people are wishing for in terms of travel or travel related goods. Here’s my letter to a 21st century Santa:

Dear Santa,

Once again, sorry about last year’s little problem regarding the burglar alarm and the SWAT team. I know it’s unusual for someone to wire their chimney to a burglar alarm but in today’s day and age you never know.  And you didn’t really mean that “I’ll never set foot within a hundred miles of this house” statement, did you?

I also understand  shortly after that incident  the Air Force sent up fighter jets to escort you to one of their bases in the Caribbean.  Why would you be upset about that in the middle of winter? Okay, it was Guantanamo but you did enter the country without a passport.

If you can see past all that and wish to start anew, I’d like to request any of the convertible carry-on bags I don’t already own.  In black or gray.  Yes, I know, I get all my bags in black or gray but I’m somewhat “colorphobic.” I never know what color goes with what and if it’s too bright, some might get the wrong idea. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. (Oh, congratulations on getting the law changed at the North Pole so Prancer can finally marry Dancer.)

 A few packing cubes would also be nice but I don’t need a strap. I already have plenty of those.

Look at it this way, Santa, I do quite a few reviews for my website and while I have some bags and I can literally see how items fit in them, I only guess when it comes to the others. By actually having another one, I’ll help the handful of people who read my reviews make better choices.  I know I could buy one for myself and write it off, but, I don’t make any money on the site so I can’t take the deduction.

By the way, Santa, is your workshop a tax-exempt, non-profit corporation? I always wondered because I thought I once heard you say something about off-shore accounts.

Yes, it’s true I already have seven convertible carry on bags, but think of another one to be like jello; there’s always room for it.

Oh, about the cookies last year. I thought it would be a nice gesture to make some homemade cookies for you. Granted, steel-cut oatmeal with flax seeds is not the best choice for someone spending hours in a sleigh.  But how did anyone notice with you sitting downwind of the reindeer? Oh, yeah, all those extra emergency stops. This year I’ll only get store bought cookies and will also leave some Pepto-Bismol. How about fig newtons?

That’s all from me. I’ll keep my list short this year. After all,  I don’t want people thinking I’m in the 1%.

My best to Mrs. Claus and the rest of the reindeer.

Frank  II

P.S. I heard rumors that Rudolph replaced his “shiny” nose with an energy saving one. Does that mean you have to leave 15 minutes early and fly around before it reaches its full brightness?

And what are you wishing for?

Comments

[Natasha]

I read your blog and posts always; and this was funny mostly. I am somewhat dismayed by your comment about "colors' and you not wanting people to get the 'wrong idea' with bright colors. And clearly you have gay folks in mind, since you have amended your own statement with the dig about prancer marrying dancer in the north pole. You are, of course, entitled to your belief systems, and you do not have to be "gay friendly," But this does not help. Thank you.

[Frank@OBOW]

Interesting that you saw it that way. I actually ran it by a couple of gay friends who not only got the satire of it but saw it as a dig to those places where gays can't marry.

But like all satire, if you only look at the surface, you don't get the full meaning. After all, there are lots of people out there who think of "Gulliver's Travels" as strictly a children's story and not a satire of the British government.

[Paula Bag Lass]

Dear Santa,
I live South of you, can't see the North Pole from Southern Ontario but we sure smell the Reindeer poo when the freezing cold wind blows this way!
I'd love it if one of your Elves could jimmy up a carry-on size zipped sack (a smaller version of the one you use for all the presents), knowing how many millions of gifts you can stuff in your magic sack and still sling it over your shoulder, it would be really neat to have that to use for my travels......then I wouldn't have to worry about under-packing for four weeks of 'light' bag trips.
If this isn't possible then what I would like for Christmas is for you to magic all the terrorists off the face of the planet, lay off the TSA afterwards and perhaps they could apply to work as Elves at your place? I think that job might suit them.
I'll be working Christmas Eve night as well, I'll listen out for the tinkle of sleigh bells. Hope you have a good night.
Thank you and love to the whole gang 'up there'.
xxxxxxx